I have to admit that I have struggled with friendships at every stage of life. Friendships are hard. They require a little bit of effort from our end, and we can never fully predict how it will all turn out.
Questions like ‘What if they don’t like me?’, ‘What if I’m not cool enough?’, or ‘What if they think I’m annoying?’ loom in the background as we introduce ourselves to people and try awkwardly to make friends.
As we get older, it doesn’t become easier. Add being an immigrant to the mix, and you wonder if this whole friendship thing is worth it.
We all need friends with whom we can share life and who will love us for who we are. Several research says that having a few close friends enhances our lives in several ways and also keeps us healthy!
It was only a few years ago that I fully learned what it meant to be a friend. Jesus says in John 15:13, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. This meant that I couldn’t just give my leftover time to my friends now, I needed to lay down my whole life! My pride, my ego and just everything else that got in the way. This verse helped me gain an eternal perspective on friendships and it has changed the way I look at friendships.
This did not mean I became the best type of friend all of a sudden, it’s pretty safe to say that I’m still learning. Being a friend who forgives often, loves wholeheartedly, while giving your time and resources generously is hard, but I guess loving people was never meant to be easy. Jesus loved us, called us His friends and laid down His life for us. Should we not do the same? Easier said than done, I know.
“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13
Almost a year ago, I felt like I was carrying a lot of hurt and offence in my heart against my friends without realizing it. It was like Satan was brewing these thoughts in my mind and I did not stop it. Do you know what happens when you let Satan’s lies brew in your mind for too long? Lies appear as truth, and being offended doesn’t feel wrong.
Once I realized that this was not how I wanted to live, I started praying and asking God to help me forgive anyone who hurt me. It was a difficult journey, and I learned quite a few things during that time.
Did you know it is impossible to be in relationship with people without getting hurt or offended at some point? I truly believe God created us to be in relationship with people and live in community, but we say and do things that hurt each other without realizing it.
So I sat down and thought about my friendships. I thought of what I should have done or shouldn’t have done, what my friends should have done or shouldn’t have done. Eventually, I came up with a little list of rules for myself that has helped me navigate my thoughts.
Rule #1 Forgive often
Yes, this one is the first. Without forgiveness, no relationship can survive for too long. Forgiveness is hard, but it is always worth it. We don’t always have to go and tell our friends that we forgive them because, most times, they have no idea that they have hurt us. But we can release them from the hurt we carry towards them. There is something freeing about that.
Rule #2 Never place expectations on your friends
I have had to relearn this on so many occasions. But every single time I get close to someone, I put an expectation on them without realizing it. And then they fall short of that expectation.
But the truth is, nobody in this world will ever live up to the expectations we place on them. So if a friend has disappointed you in any way, don’t take it too personally.
Rule #3 Always celebrate your friends
We will all always be in different life stages. If we are jealous of our friends, the likelihood of them ever involving us in that season will be nil. It isn’t easy to be around someone who isn’t fully happy for you, especially when they consider you as their friend.
We need to learn how to celebrate our friends in every season! If God has done something wonderful for them, we celebrate with them and trust God has something wonderful for us as well. He is a good Father and cares for all of us!
I would highly encourage you to take time to read the story of Jonathan and David. Jonathan’s devotion to David is something we can all learn from. He loved and protected David even though rightfully, Jonathan should have been the king after his father. He knew the calling on David’s life and he celebrated that wholeheartedly. He even put his life on the line to protect David from his father.
Rule #4 Never look down on your friends
We’re all different. We’ve been brought up in totally different homes, with different set of parents, in different cities and sometimes even countries. Even if we grew up on the same street, our life experiences would still vary.
If your friend made a decision or choice that seems odd to you, do not put them down or judge them for that. Walk with them through those decisions and see if there is anything you can do to help them make better choices.
Ask them questions like, ‘How can I help you with this? What can I do?’ Don’t tell them they are making bad choices without first trying to understand why they had to do that in the first place.
Rule #5 Never look down on your friend’s spouse, family or relatives
This one is obvious but happens more often than we think. We should never look down on our friend’s family, no matter how close we are to them. The family they were born in was what God chose for them.
Rule #6 Remember, not all friendships last forever. Learn to let go when it’s time.
Sometimes, we think that every friendship will remain the same for the rest of our lives. I have realized that everything is for a season, even friendships.
If we know that God brings people into our lives for a certain season, we can trust that it’s okay if some friendships do not make it to the next.
Looking back, I am grateful for the friendships that lasted and the ones that did not. If I stayed with that friend too long, I would have delayed the growth in my life cause they were going in a different direction.
Rule #7 Be the friend that is full of faith and hope
We all go through seasons of life that are hard, and we need our friends to share our hearts and struggles. But no one wants to be around someone who is negative or complaining all the time. It is the surest way to keep people away.
Talk about things you have learned or the things God has been teaching you. Talk about a podcast you found that has helped you, a book you are reading, or even a fun recipe you tried recently. Be the friend that makes others want to be better. Be silly, make your friends laugh, share your dreams, and be full of faith, it is a sure way to attract the good type of friends!
These are the seven rules that I wish I had known earlier. I would have been a better friend for sure. Friendships take time and work, but it is always worth it. Today, if you feel like you are struggling in your friendships, I want to encourage you to look to Jesus.
There is so much you can learn from the way He befriended people. He never chose to be with people based on what they looked liked or the most affluent of the lot. He was actually called the ‘Friend of sinners’. What always gets me is when he called Judas ‘Friend,’ even as he was betraying Jesus that night. What a great example of love and forgiveness. Jesus is truly the only constant friend. He will always be there for us in every season and He will never leave us.
Questions to consider:
Have you experienced hurt and offence in friendships? What has God taught you in that season? Do you have your own set of rules for friendships? Let me know in the comments! This week, be aware of how you respond to your friends and ask yourself this question, ‘How can I be a better friend?’
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